Your mouth is God's brothel.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
even my farts smell like vagina
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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