fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
