Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
