just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Terrible idea I love it
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
