You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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