Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
