mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
