I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
