Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
