just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
