yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
