Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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