True but thats because hes a fetus.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
