weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
