I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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