mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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