she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
