remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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