She is in my trunk
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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