I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
