does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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