He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
