Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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