Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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