i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
