I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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