A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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