and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
