Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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