Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
