Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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