someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
