i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
