just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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