these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
