So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I smell stomach acid.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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