We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
