I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
