Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
