yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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