I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
