My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
