Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
