i can't believe i had my finger in that
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
