Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
