Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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