Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
