I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
