I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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