he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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