please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
