I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
love makes seman taste better
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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