you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
