When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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