Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I want to be your penis for a week.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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