he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
